March 20, 2008

You Should All Know I Am In Rehab

A) HOW I GOT INTO ALCOHOL AND DRUGS

1) Mom was very alcoholic, and I feel that is a gross
understatement. I’d love to say that I first took to
alcohol out of affection for my mother (there was
never any shortage of that for me) but I think the
truth is that I was always powerless over it. I know I
was always powerless over alcoholism, because it had
such a grip on Mom’s adulthood and my childhood, and I
never chose to fight it. Until now. Dad was a
corporate executive whose job required the family to
travel the world fairly extensively and both Mom and
Dad were quite self conscious of how they were
perceived by others. We were frequently on airplanes
and, before Mom and Dad would find themselves in the
embarrassing position of being caught by other
passengers with a crying baby, I was fed alcohol.
Obviously I don’t have recollections from the time
when I was a baby, so this account is pieced together
from vague memories of being told stories that are
similar or exactly the same. Mom’s alcoholism truly
reared its ugly head when I was eight and nine years
old, it was in 1983 that she lied to the family about
having lymph node cancer so that she would have an
explanation for staying in bed drunk at all hours. I
forgave my Mom very easily for her act of dishonesty,
my love for her was unconditional. At this point in my
life I find myself hoping that I will be able to
forgive myself for similarly selfish acts that my own
addiction led me to commit. I can’t believe I just
called out my own dead Mom for what’s surely the worst
lie she ever told. I also can’t believe I ever picked
up my first drink on my own after the way alcohol
ruined her life. God, I miss my Mom. I think I was
eight years old when I was introduced to the family
tradition of children partaking in an alcoholic
beverage of their choice, just one, only on New Year’s
Eve, each year. I think it was right away that I knew
I wasn’t interested in beer, rather that I wanted
scotch whiskey. I can’t really remember, after all,
what alcoholic remembers the first drink they picked
up. The first time I vomited from truly drinking "too
much" alcohol, I was twelve years old, that I’m quite
sure of. I’m also quite sure that everything I
remember taking interest in from childhood, and
onwards, I poured myself into with an unhealthy
"excessive/compulsive" attitude about it. Baseball.
Heavy metal music. Skateboarding. Drinking. Drugs. Oh
yeah, and the video camera...

2) I didn’t first try marijuana (it was actually hash
the first time) because I randomly bumped into it. I
tried it because I had made a decision to find it. I
tried it again the day after that, as I recall, and, I
believe the next day as well. Overnight, when I had
just turned sixteen years old, I became a
"stoner/druggie." Shortly thereafter, I was taking LSD
on a regular basis. It was my prerogative to try just
about any drug I could get my hands on. It is not my
intention to glorify my history as a drug abuser with
elaborate stories about having sex in lavatories on
airplanes after snorting amphetamines off the toilet
at the tender age of seventeen. I will simply say that
when I was interviewed about it all upon checking into
this rehab facility, it became frighteningly clear to
me how lucky I am to still have any chance whatsoever
at leading a happy, fulfilling, and meaningful life. I
am so lucky, there is no doubt in my mind that I have
a Higher Power that is incredibly interested in me
succeeding.

B) ATTEMPTS TO CONTROL MY ALCOHOL/DRUG USE

1) The first time I made an effort to stop drinking,
because I was an alcoholic, I was eighteen years old.
I recall looking up Alcoholics Anonymous, but not
making it to any meetings, and after, perhaps (I can’t
remember exactly), nineteen days of not drinking, back
to back, doing the same number of vodka shots back to
back. Mom forced me into a rehab facility when I was
twenty years old (she was sober at the time, I was in
jail, and going to rehab was my only chance to see
sunlight before court). Sobriety lasted for two and a
half months after the sun’s rays met my face, and it
ended as brutally as it had when I was eighteen.

2) Although I mentioned amphetamines, and can’t say
that I’ve not accepted them on numerous occasions
(especially in pill form), I’ve never purchased them
(correction-bought the pills once) or sought them out
when I wasn’t aware of their immediate presence. I’ve
never smoked crack before (despise the fictitious rap
song I wrote about smoking crack), but, powder cocaine
is an entirely different story. I have been aware of
significant problems that snorting powder cocaine has
caused in my life for many years now, and, on numerous
occasions, made efforts to give up the habit, with
varied success. The longest I was able to abstain was
one year and six days, the second longest was roughly
six months, and, you get the idea.

C) ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR

1) The abusive behavior that I feel will haunt me for
the rest of my life can be summed up by the words
"verbal and emotional attacks on my loved ones." As
I’ve expressed before for this behavior, and only this
behavior, I fear punishment by my Higher Power.

2) I have done a great deal to damage my mind and
body. Like I said, I am beyond fortunate to have this
chance at salvaging a happy, fulfilling, and
meaningful life. My luck will not last with continued
use of alcohol and drugs that are not prescribed to me
by doctors that are aware of my addictions.

D) SPIRITUAL ISSUES

1) I believe that I was chosen by my Higher
Power/Guardian Angels, and led to the spiritual path
which I am currently on. I try not to ask of God,
rather, to work for what it is I want, and communicate
with God only in "Thank You’s." For my Higher Power I
am more grateful than I could possibly express.

2) I used to consider myself agnostic, as recently as
September of 2006. I now consider myself, well,
"spiritual," actually, let me say, "Thankful..."

E) EFFECTS ON FAMILY, SIGNIFICANT OTHERS, FRIENDS

1) I’ve already covered the communication problems
with family members and expressed that I fear
punishment for such problems.

2) I’ve communicated to you all before that I , fairly
recently got on both knees and proposed marriage to a
girlfriend, in front of her Grandma. I also
communicated that she later expressed that she
completely changed her mind about getting married. Now
I am in recovery and do not have a significant other.
My friends are still my friends, but also understand
that my health requires that I not be around drugs and
alcohol.

F) EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS

1) I do not have poor self esteem or anxiety issues.

2) While I do have guilt issues related to past
behavior, I am too excited about my future behavior
and the prospect of becoming a healthy parent to let
them remain an obstacle.

G) WORK PROBLEMS

1) I’ve never had problems making it to work or
getting paid--the nature of my work almost embraced my
addictions.

2) There were jobs that I showed up to in absolutely
horrible shape, and some of them ended prematurely due
to that fact.

H) FINANCIAL PROBLEMS

1) I have no financial problems.

2) I have no second financial example.

I) CONSEQUENCES OF BEHAVIOR

1) While under the influence of drugs and alcohol, my
behavior is so impossible to predict, it is
unbelievable. I don’t know where to begin, anyone who
has known me for so much as a couple of months, shit,
even the police offices who arrested me this month can
tell you that I’ve got to be the craziest mutherfukker
they’ve ever laid eyes on.

2) Really, I’m not trying to "toot my own horn," it’s
time for me to "hang up my hat," to "throw in the
towel," it’s time for me to "call it quits."

J) PREOCCUPATION WITH CHEMICALS

1) I haven’t mentioned nitrous oxide, the drug I
"fiend" for, by far, the most. I used to inhale this
gas by the cartridge, specifically, by the case (a
case containing 600 cartridges). I would call a taxi
to come bring me, to pick up a case, and be searching
under my mattress for cartridges while awaiting its
arrival. When it did arrive, I would bring my
cartridge dispenser in the taxi and be dispensing the
gas into my lungs for the entire ride home from the
pick-up. When I say that I feel I was chosen by
Guardian Angels, I say that quite literally. I had a
number of not-at-all-subtle experiences that indicated
to me that I had to give up the nitrous oxide, and
did, six months ago.

2) Another drug that I haven’t mentioned is ketamine.
It is also a drug that I had not-at-all-subtle
experiences on. Enough said.

A GOODBYE LETTER TO MY DRUGS OF CHOICE

At this point,
All you fucking things are good for is dying. I’m not
ready to die. I’m ready to live. I’m ready to breathe
(properly, even). I’m ready to fall in love. I’m ready
to become ready to start a family. I’m ready to be
happy, fulfilled and meaningful. Maybe I’ll see you
fukkers if and/or when I’m ready to die.

Steve-O